The importance of consciously choosing the stories we tell ourselves and others

As humans, we are natural storytellers. We connect with, bond over and share through stories. We use stories to make sense of the world, to understand our experiences, and to communicate with others. As a life coach in Australia, I witness this innate drive closely while working with my clients. The kind of stories that play out in a coaching session can be fascinating as well as eye-opening.

However, you often forget the power of the stories you tell yourself and others. Your narratives shape your perceptions of yourself, your relationships, and your future. It may not be obvious to you, but you can choose the stories you tell yourself. Before you say that some truths are facts, I'd beg to differ. There are facts, and then there are interpretations of an event or a truth. E.g., One may argue that religion or even the concept of a nation is a pervasive, mutually agreed-upon story we've decided to tell each other.

Similarly, the beliefs that you carry about yourself are stories that you've arrived at due to various factors. Childhood conditioning, societal norms, and past events all have a way of impacting and even distorting your perception of your real self. One may argue that you are woefully inept at knowing your supposed 'real self'. And while that is true to some extent, as a life coach, I think that you owe it to yourself, your future and your relationships to be able to distinguish between who you were raised to be and who you really are. 

In this context, this article explores the importance of choice in telling your story and learning how to tell alternate stories that don't sabotage your future.

Where do we pick up these stories?

The stories you tell yourself have a significant impact on how you view the world and your place inside it. Your narratives about people and things are shaped by your upbringing, past experiences, culture, media, and societal norms.

As a child, it's our parents who influence our thoughts and our worldview. It's necessary as well, in most parts, since we are naive, and we need to be taught survival skills to be able to hold our fort in the world. We learn to make sense of the world through what our parents tell us and the stories they carry about the world.

As we move towards adulthood, we realise that the world looks drastically different from the world we were raised in. We reach a sad realisation that not everything our parents taught us and believed in is valid in our present reality. We also understand how our parent's worldviews may have been distorted by their love for us or their own cognitive biases. In short, we stop putting them on a pedestal, and we go out to find our own truth. Our experiences and interactions with the world around us shape our beliefs and perceptions.

Time is also an important factor that necessitates this change. The media we consume also plays a significant role in shaping our narratives, from the stories we see in movies and TV shows to the messages we receive from social media.

Major historical events, believe it or not, continue framing our views about people, culture and environment. But more than everything, it's our closest environment and people that have a significant impact on the stories we create about ourselves and choose to believe.

Why do our stories have an impact on us?

Our stories shape our beliefs, influence our actions, and impact our relationships. When we believe negative stories about ourselves, we are more likely to act in ways that align with those beliefs.

For example, if we believe that we are lazy and things are hard, we'll never put in the effort to even try to pursue our goals. Our relationships are also affected by the stories we tell ourselves and others. If we choose to believe that we are unlovable or unworthy of love, we struggle to form healthy, fulfilling relationships. On the other hand, if we are too mistrustful or fearful of other people, we may grow defensive in relationships and become toxic.

For instance, if someone grows up hearing stereotypes about their gender, race, or ethnicity, they may internalise those beliefs and develop a negative self-concept. This negative self-concept can then influence their behaviour and interactions with others.

For example, if a person internalises the stereotype that their race is inferior, they may be less likely to pursue certain careers or activities that are associated with success and may even engage in self-sabotaging behaviour. On the other hand, if a person grows up hearing positive narratives and stories about their culture and identity, they may feel a greater sense of pride and self-worth, leading to more positive behaviours and interactions with others.

Why can't we control the outcome?

We can't control the outcome because it's impossible for us to control people's behaviours, societal narratives and even others' perceptions of us. We feel despair and disappointment precisely because we want to be able to control everything. What someone expects of you and feels about you is beyond your control. But while we can't control the outcome of every situation, we can control the stories we tell ourselves about it.

By reframing a negative experience so we can derive meaning and learn from it, we can learn to heal and ease the pain. We can rewrite the stories that we have been told about ourselves to emerge as the person we'd like to be. For example, if you experience a setback in your career, you can choose to view it as an opportunity for growth and development rather than a failure.

If you feel you'll be abandoned in a relationship, you can choose to express that fear rather than act it out.

How do our efforts and actions compound over time?

Having said that, it's not a one-time affair and changing these narratives requires work. Your efforts and actions compound over time, with practice and self-compassion, leading to eventual success.

By working towards our goals and not feeding into our limiting beliefs, we can create positive momentum in our lives. Small, consistent actions can lead to significant results over time.

Failure and loss do not define us but rather provide opportunities for learning and growth. By reframing these experiences in a positive light and using them as opportunities for reflection and self-improvement, we can develop resilience and a stronger sense of self. Failure and loss teach us the importance of persistence, the value of learning from our mistakes, and the power of resilience.

Why must we sit with our uncomfortable feelings?

Sitting with our uncomfortable feelings is necessary for personal growth and self-awareness. By acknowledging and processing our emotions, we can gain insight into our inner workings and develop a stronger sense of self. When we allow ourselves to feel our emotions fully, we can move through them and emerge stronger on the other side.

In conclusion, the stories we tell ourselves and others have a profound impact on our lives.

As a life coach in Australia, Leigh Stafford helps his clients harness the power of their stories to create positive change in their lives. By understanding where our stories come from, reframing negative experiences, and developing resilience, we can cultivate a more positive narrative and achieve our goals. So, choose your stories wisely and watch as they shape the person you become.